Monday, 10 December 2012


I am very pleased to report that on Thursday 7th December 2012, I successfully donned a pair of jeans that I cannot remember being able to get into. Nor buying for that matter. Be not misled though, they are not a size 12 and I didn’t look any good in them. The triumph here is not aesthetic, it’s not even really very impressive, but it’s MY triumph and I celebrated it all day by wearing said jeans and looking uncomfortable. The ungainly ensemble was topped (or bottomed) rather perfectly by my choice of winter footwear – flip flops, due to the burn on my foot having yet to heal. However, as the place that I chose to wear this bizarre mismatch was to our annual Candlelit Carol Concert, I confess myself to have been less than concerned. The whole night was a low-lit, glimmering, choral affair with voices raised on high and mouths filled with festive treats. Said voices also raised us over £3,500 which is a wonderful triumph of generosity over recession. In short, I can sum up the last two weeks by telling you I’ve been wearing terrible outfits, but getting into the Christmas spirit. Which is nice.

There are two tests that I regularly carry out to assess whether or not I’ve lost any weight. Neither of these involves scales as I’m afraid ours are broken, so I’ve resorted to ingenious alternatives. The first of these is the Hug Test. Basically this requires an honest boyfriend, a metaphorically thick skin and a willingness to be embraced. Step one: Tony hugs me. Step two: He tells me if I’ve gotten a little smaller. He also tells me if I’ve gotten a little bigger, but thankfully the news has all been good recently. The second test is even more hit and miss than the first one. It involves how fast I can walk, climb stairs and take part in other such travelly activities, and for how long, without getting out of breath. I was coming in at a personal best until it got so cold that I required ventolin. Now my average is completely thrown.

Neither of these gauges is reliable, scientifically measurable or accurate, nor do they really push me to work harder. However, following the jeans-related success of Thursday I must be doing something right. Little progress is progress no less, and I’ll not turn up my nose. Also, for the first time in a couple of months I’m moving in the right direction. In order to maintain this over the Christmas period I plan to walk Tony’s parents’ dog as often as he can stand it, swim at least 3 times per week no matter how small or child-filled the pool may be, and spend a lot of my time sitting in the snow in my underwear in the hope that I’ll burn enough calories simply staying alive in the cold to warrant both my Christmas dinner and the amount I’ll no doubt drink when we get to my parents’.

So, in other news, the 16th of December is rapidly approaching and bringing with it the onset of my 32nd year. I can honestly say that I have no feelings either way regarding turning 31. I am neither elated nor tempted to try a chemical peel. In fact nothing could induce me to try a chemical peel. Chemical peel. It brings to mind an overenthusiastic maniac using acid to strip the skin from my face to reveal some kind of mutant superhero/villain underneath. I, Charlotte, once a mild-mannered Community Fundraiser, now arise to meet my true Red Devastatooooooooor!!!!!!!! No thanks. In fact, 31 seems to be to one of those non-ages where you don’t actually age at all, you simply remain the same until you hit another milestone, such as 35. For this reason I believe we actually age in stages. For instance, you remain 21 until you’re 30. Which would explain men if nothing else.

My birthday, however non-agey it might be, could not pass uncelebrated, so on Saturday we held a Hideous Christmas Jumper affair for our nearest and dearest which, despite half the guests having to cancel, turned out to be pretty damn great. This week’s photo is of Tony’s outfit, and it doesn’t disappoint. Don’t be alarmed, the item down the front of his thong is in fact the cat’s plastic ball toy with a bell in it. Which led me to name him Jingle Bollocks, an endearing nickname which happily stuck. Needless to say, I broke my diet horrendously that evening, with party rings (never too old), gooey marshmallow things, decorate-your-own cupcakes and a lot of cheese. My one abstination though, was alcohol. The sheer amount of sugar consumed in the first hour seemed to put everyone off their drinks a little. Except Tony who was still going strong at 5am when I phoned him from our bed to ask him to shut up. For the first time in the history of our parties I woke with veritable bluebirds singing in my head rather than angry crows eating it from the inside out. I even managed to sit through Dead Snow, our unanimous morning film of choice, without looking away too often. The same, alas, cannot be said for a certain other lady, but she shall remain nameless. I will simply apologise for putting her through it!

So yes, terrible outfits and Christmas spirit. Not a bad couple of weeks to be honest. The true test will be Christmas, that overbearing, chocolate-dipped, wine-laden glut itself. My inspiration though is a friend I saw on Friday night. This gallant young pirate has dropped no less than 9 stone, NINE STONE, since March. In fact, it’s closer to 10. And he looks utterly amazing for it. Also, I just found out he reads my blog so I couldn’t resist dropping him in. Well done dude, it’s an epic achievement which I hope to emulate. Although maybe not to the tune of 10 stone as I’d probably have no boobs left. And what fun would that be.

Yours itchily (hideous Christmas cardigan that I’m still wearing),

P.S. I made up three words. 

1 comment:

  1. Yay Charlotte! Glad you had a lovely party, and are starting to see results. I have also been cutting out the wine and embarking on a health journey, :) So I was wondering, have you come across the miricle that is fat burning soup? If not and you wish to know more give me a shout. Miss you lovely...... Bex x